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So I've been skimming the Goosebumps marathon on Cartoon Network while re-arranging my room. I didn't read the books or watch the show a lot when I was younger, but right now this is way more fun than it should be. I'm still iffy on the whole Cartoon Network showing non-cartoons thing, but this is seriously one of the best Halloween preps ever. This show is great in such a terrible but respectable way.

I just saw an episode called "Be Careful What you Wish For," which was one of the books I actually read, and they totally changed the ending! Let me set the stage for you - the main character is a girl named Samantha Byrd. She's klutzy, and her mortal enemy is Judith who teases her at any chance, including shouting "why don't you just fly away Byrd!" every few minutes. Samantha meets a crazy bird lady, gets three wishes, makes a mess of all of them, blah blah blah, and in the end wishes Judith had met the bird lady instead of her.

Book - Judith's first wish: "fly away Byrd!" Samantha turns into a bird. Classic twist ending. TV show - Judith's wish: "I wish wherever I was people would gather around and admire me!" She turns into a statue, and Samantha walks away smirking. Whaaa? Did all the birds go on strike that week demanding higher quality seed? Did they have a half-off coupon for gold body paint? Why did they even bother keeping the "fly away" foreshadowing in the episode? I suppose there might have been censorship issues with the jerk "winning" in the end, and the fact that life isn't fair isn't really a lesson we want to teach our children, is it? Luckily, Goosebumps is full of some of the most heartwarming and useful lessons that television has to offer.

Important life lessons learned from Goosebumps:

1. Scientific expeditions are meant to be fun - What self-respecting archaeologist wouldn't walk into a tomb with his small children and tell them they can try resurrecting the mummy if they want to?

2. Authority figures are out to get you - if you see illegal or supernatural activity, police will be brash and accusing, and parents will refuse to believe any and all evidence. The less helpful they are, the more likely they are to be in on the whole thing.

3. "One more time to be sure" - The possessed magical camera makes bad stuff happen every time it takes a picture. But you'd better take a few more to make sure it's not just coincidence.

4. All magical items are either indestructible or fragile as all get out - A lightly tossed softball will break a magic mirror with explosive force. A mummy can destroy a thousand year old amber talisman with a swipe of his maimed arm. Similarly, if you lightly drop an item and it doesn't explode, it must be "indestructible." No need to try a baseball bat for good measure.

5. There's nothing like good old fashioned gender stereotypes - If the girls aren't complete wusses, they're pushy know-it-alls. If the boys aren't prank-pulling jerks, they're the timid, nice-guy type who can be bullied into anything with a "whatsamatter, scared?"

6. Ignore the history and the locals - Why do they even bother bringing Egyptians along on these pyramid episodes? All they do is scream about curses to chuckling archaeologists. "Oh, you locals and your colorful legends."

7. Approval of others outweighs rational action - Sure sneaking into the home of the local mad-man could result in a slow painful death, but you don't want your friends to think you're lame. Similarly, if your ventriloquism dummy is speaking to you, it's much more important to convince your parents that you're not insane than it is to take that sucker out back with a hatchet and a can of lighter fluid.

8. All magicians use real magic - Young aspiring magicians need not apply. Parlor tricks are all well and good, but you can't be a real magician unless you're in possession of a real magic wand, a possessed rabbit, or some sort of talisman. Stop boring us with your "saw the woman in half" routine. If you don't have any magic you could go the sci-fi route instead, but careful or you might end up in the middle of The Prestige.

9. Siblings are the devil - Occasionally you have a single close knit, probably twin, opposite gender sibling. But more often than not, they hate you as much as you hate them. They're probably indirectly the reason you're in the middle of this nightmare. They either won't believe your tale till the last possible second, or they screw you over by the end.

10. Either don't be such a jerk, or kick it up a notch - if you're the main character, you always get your comeuppance in the end. On the other hand, if you're a minor character, being a jerk is like a free ticket to coming out on top after the "twist ending" (unless your episode gets a rewrite). So if you do decide to be a jerk, go all the way and be the jerkiest jerk you can possibly be.